I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
