So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
