So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
