Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just had sex on a roof
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
