I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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