What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize