I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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