i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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