genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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