Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
