Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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