Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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