im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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