So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just gargled with NyQuil
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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