No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
