I want to make a zoo with you.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
