if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
