I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
