obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Alive.
So much puke
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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