I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
