I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
