The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
