I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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