The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
