The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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