My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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