Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
