It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
