Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
