My sheets look like a crime scene.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
