My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
