just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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