so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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