i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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