Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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