So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
