my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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