Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
