So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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