So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
