I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
