Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize