remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
