dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
