I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
