Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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