I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
