He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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