dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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