This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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