god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
