she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
