shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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