Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
