hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
