Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
