a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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