I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
