i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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