my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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