when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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