Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
